Maternity Pants and the Hands Free Travel Pack

Here's what I have to say about maternity pants. They suck. Let me elaborate. I guess most women, being women, who wear maternity pants also carry purses. I'm not one of those women. I like to carry my wallet in my back pocket, my keys in my front pocket, and my cell phone in another front pocket. In other words, I've got stuff in my pockets. This has never been an issue until now, when I don't have a waist, and on top of that, maternity pants are very stretchy. I guess that's a good thing, being that you don't want anything tight around your "waist" (I use that term lightly) when you're pregnant. However, the consequences of this is that putting anything in your pockets means that your pants make a beeline for your ankles. Just the other day, I had to carry groceries with both of my arms no more than about half a block to the car, and very quickly I became terrified that the world was going to see more of my ass than any of us wanted. Before pregnancy, my ass was not something to get particularly excited about. Since I've been pregnant, I've put at least as much weight on my ass as I have my stomach, and now no one, and I mean NO ONE wants to see it. It terrifies me when I catch a glimpse of it myself.

So what is a girl to do who refuses to carry a purse? In the cooler weather, it wasn't such a big deal because I could put things in the pockets of my jackets. But jacket time is pretty much over. So I could carry a backpack with me, but that is too balky and too much of an annoyance. I could carry a "messenger bag" type thing, but it's still to balky. I don't want something swinging around me. Then one night as I was watching Family Business, I noticed Adam's fanny pack.

Okay, that last statement wasn't completely accurate. Of course I've noticed Adam's fanny pack before. How could one not notice a person, any person, still using a fanny pack? That was so 1980s. I didn't even know that fanny packs still existed. Personally, I think Adam looks ridiculous wearing it, and I've thought many diparaging remarks about him because of his dedication to his fanny pack.

But as a pregnant woman who does not want to carry a purse and also cannot put things in her pockets, I suddenly had to consider: Could what I needed be....horror of horrors....a fanny pack?

After the above mentioned grocery carrying debacle, I decided that the time had come to bite the bullet and get myself (gulp) a fanny pack.

But where? Who sold fanny packs anymore? And could I actually go into a store and ask someone, with a straight face, for a fanny pack? I had no choice.

I decided to start at a sporting goods store. Perhaps hikers and such might carry fanny packs (or as an internet search had revealed, "waist packs"). I did find one at Dick's Sporting Goods, designed for those who love to fish. But it was huge. Next stop, Target. I found one for people who were into camping/hiking. But it was also huge and came equipped with two bottles of water. Far more than I wanted to carry around with me.

I wandered through Target, stopping everywhere that might possibly have a fanny pack (I was too ashamed to ask a salesperson), and then, in the luggage department, I saw it, a fanny pack before my eyes. Only, they weren't calling it a fanny pack. Nor weren't they even calling it a "waist pack." No. This was none other than a Hands Free Travel Pack. For $11.99, I bought it.

When I picked up my partner from the train station later, I said, "You'll never guess what I bought today." Upon her inquiry, I told her. "Why, a hands free travel pack."

At her blank stare, I took it out and showed it to her. "All this time," I said, "I've been looking for a fanny pack, when what I really wanted was a hands free travel pack. Who knew?"

She sighed deeply, never having been completely on board with my buying--and actually wearing--a fanny pack. I mean, a hands free travel pack. I put it on to model it for her, and it fit on the underside of my expanding belly. She grabbed it and moved it off to the side. "Couldn't you wear it this way?" she asked.

I looked down at it. "Does that make it better? On the side?"

"Yes."

Well, I guess if she's willing to be seen with me while I wear a hands free travel pack, I can wear it to the side.